BREAKING NEWS: Catholic Church Demands Congress Give Them Law Making Authority, Threatens Apocalypse

 

 

 

 

 

Washington D.C., – In a bold move by the Catholic Church, several high ranking clergymen met with Congress to demand that they be given the authority to make laws as they see fit.

“Our patience for citizens that believe what we say is meaningless has been exhausted. The citizens have believed for far too long that we have no power, no authority, and no control over their lives.” stated Cardinal Wilson.

“Furthermore, we demand that Congress not only maintain our tax exempt status, but also mandate that taxes be paid to us. We have agreed that we are not paid a fair enough amount of tribute for our services to the public. Translating for God is a very time consuming and exhausting line of work, and quite frankly, we’re sick of everyone thinking they have freedom ‘from’ religion.”

The tension on Capitol Hill only increased as the Catholic Church hinted at a possible apocalypse if their demands are not met, stating that “this really” needed to happen before the November Presidential election.

Congress remains divided on how to deal with the church’s requests, with the majority of Democratic policy makers being vehemently opposed, while Republicans weigh in with their staunch support.

“The time is right, not only for the Catholic church, but Christian churches everywhere to take stake in what is rightfully theirs,” Rep. Todd Akin explains, speaking of church’s authority in law making. “This government has scraped by for far too long writing laws based on what is logical and constitutionally sound. It’s time to evolve and make laws adhering solely to the Bible.”

Some citizens, after hearing the news, came forward to offer comments of their own:

“Well shit, THEY sure haven’t been getting much done,” John Wade stated, while pointing at the Capitol building. “Maybe we should give the church another try. They were running things in Jesus’ time, didn’t seem to have any problems then!”

“I leave Iran because of religious government. Now I come here, and it will be same,” Lisa Abu-Alawallahyi said, as she packed her belongings into a car outside her home. “Now, I go to Canada, work in gas station. Be free.”

 

 

-this article is satirical, and none of the above statements or events actually happened.-
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