How To: Date A Scorpio

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So you think you’ve found that special guy or girl, done your obligatory research (facebook stalking) and found out that their birthday lies somewhere between October 23rd and November 21st? Then you REALLY need to read this. And if you’re already in a relationship with them? Read on, you’ll laugh at how much this will still apply.

First things first: I am speaking as a Scorpio myself, and there is one thing we want everyone to know: We want to know everything about you, (and we will) and you will know just enough about us to keep the relationship going. I won’t delve too much into the horoscope definitions that are given to scorpios; I will use experience both from my personality and that of many scorpio friends I have and have dated.

First, we want to know everything about you. No detail is too minute, nothing is trivial. We will spend hours, days, months, and even years digging up information on you. It rarely ever ends for us: if it does, we are either convinced you are our soul-mate or we found something we didn’t like and relationship is dead. And if we are convinced that you are THE one? We’ll still scrutinize any new information we can get our hands on. Don’t be scared, and certainly don’t be insulted: we’re just natural investigators, and good investigators are never quick to trust ANYONE.

With that in mind, don’t try to hide anything from us. We will find out. I repeat, we WILL FIND OUT. So your options are either to tell us or let us find out. If you try to hide it, it will make us suspicious. You don’t want this. We are suspicious by nature, so when you give us a reason to be, the long winding road to gaining our trust gets a LOT longer. One of our mottos is that someone who has nothing to hide, doesn’t. But on that same token, we are very understanding and know how to take things in context. Just because there are pictures of you having drunk sex with a lawn gnome doesn’t mean we think less of you. We understand, even if you don’t yet.

We are not big talkers. If we are being really talkative, that means we are either drunk, or we are trying to get you to open up to us. We are much better at listening and making conversation through adding to it, not by creating it. We’ll ask questions and share our own experience to get you to talk, but anything more should not be expected at first. We don’t open up quickly. At all. With that, don’t ask us pointed or invasive questions. It will turn us off, make us build our walls higher, and will ensure you get aggressive questions in return. So unless you want us asking very pointed questions about that lawn gnome, don’t get too particular with your line of questioning. Best bet is to keep it playful and leading. We’re curious investigators first, so appeal to it: tease us with mystery, but keep it playful. Look at it as a cat and mouse game: we’re a cat in mouse clothing, so treat us as a mouse 🙂

We like details! Whether its information or planning, we love the small things. Keep that in mind, because we will be looking at the small things during dates and during the relationship. That’s not ominous, nor is it a bad thing. You’re not under the microscope, but we are checking you out. And we are also checking out everyone who is checking you out. And everyone YOU are checking out. We tend to be pretty jealous people. Not fight the other person for you jealous, but key your car jealous. So once again, don’t rouse our suspicions, and everything will be ok!

What is important to us is VERY important to us, and what isn’t REALLY isn’t. Basically, if we made the effort to tell you or show you (and trust me it WAS AN EFFORT) how important something is to us, you would do very well to pay attention. If we say something really isn’t important to us then it may as well be dead to us. A general rule of thumb is that we either love something or hate it. We are either wild about it or despise it. That goes for people, things, places and actions.

Lastly, we are obsessive. Whatever gets our attention keeps our attention. If you have our attention, and it’s the good kind, then you’re halfway there. Just be yourself, because we are already expecting you to try to “impress” us. The true way to impress us is to not try to. Don’t give us empty compliments;  we already know what we are and aren’t, and we always look for the motive behind actions, especially compliments. So instead of dishing out the obligatory “you look nice” comments, try a genuine “I like that dress/shirt/outfit on you” It’ll mean a lot more, and you’ll get more points with sincerity than fake-ness. If it’s not sincere, don’t insult us by saying it because that’s exactly how we’ll take it.

That’s us in a small nutshell; if there’s anything I’m missing or forgot, (and I can already think of 4 things) comment and let me know! I’ll add and update as I remember, and give credit to those who bring it up. Good luck on your adventure!

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How To: Live With People You Don’t Like…

We’ve all been there at some point in our lives: being forced to spend time with someone we’d much rather like to see only when under the influence of alcohol. That one (or more) person in you life that you want so badly to hold their head under water…  And doesn’t life just always have a fucked up way of making sure that at some point in our lives we have to LIVE with one of those mother fuckers? Well, if you’re anything like me, that has happened to you SEVERAL times, hell, you might even be doing it now! So, here’s how you avoid assault/homicide/arson charges until things change.

  1. Identify what drives that prick: Since you are living with them, you should have a good idea of what is important to them and what isn’t; do they like organization and order? Do they hate cats? Can’t miss their favorite soap opera? Determine what they hold dear, what annoys them, embarrasses them, their pet peeves.. Basically, learn what makes them who they are. It may feel like you’re pulling your own teeth out by devoting time to them, but it’s important, trust me.
  2. Determine what lines you can and CAN’T cross: This is obvious, but not so obvious. If this person is a roommate then clearly you have more options than say, your mom or in-laws. Or maybe you do? Everyone’s situation is different, and it deserves careful consideration. Is this person living with you a point of authority? Related? Although it is generally much better (and easier) to leave than it is to convince someone else to leave, that may not be an option. So find out what consequences you are willing to live with if you have to convince them to leave. What power do they have? And their friends? And their family?
  3. Try to make friends: People are funny creatures; sometimes when we get to know people better we find out why they’re such shitheads. In the course of getting to know your enemy, they may become a friend for the simple fact that you understand them. Don’t rule it out, and keep an open mind. Closed minds don’t learn, and remember, you get more bees with honey than vinegar. try to find things you have in common, and importantly, ask them questions. Not invasion questions like, “So why is you mom in prison, again?” but more general ones that allow them to talk about themselves. It’s like hostage negotiation: keep them talking. If that doesn’t work, and you find out you are dealing with a hardened breed of asshole then..
  4. Avoid them: Can’t be friends? Can’t even be amicable? Next best is to just avoid their asses. Take 5 minutes to think about what times they come and go. Think about their usual schedule. Then, find something better to do while they are awake or in your area. If you can, stay away from places they like. Think of them as a shitty kitty that doesn’t like ANYONE. Just steer clear of that beast until living circumstances change. if you cross paths, don’t speak, use one word answers and avoid eye contact. Make them feel like they are nothing more than a lamp in the room; nothing to be noticed or even acknowledged. Exercise, meet up with friends, find new ones, go have sex, go drinking, do whatever to get you away from shitty kitty. If that is too much, or your schedule won’t allow it then…
  5. Convince them to find greener pastures: Unfortunately, this is not an option for everyone, in particular, people for whom “shitty kitty” is mom or dad. I’ll make a separate article on that, ’cause that’s a whole different animal. But if the dick you are dealing with is a mere roommate or the like, then you may very well be able to get them to see that your relationship is healthier at a distance. Think of all the things you learned about them earlier and use them. Push their buttons in subtle, annoying ways AND NOT in obvious and open ways. That’s important. Many assholes get stubborn when they are confronted or feel as if someone is trying to push them out. So again, be subtle. You want to create a psychologically discomforting environment for them in your shared household. You want them to literally feel uneasy when thinking about coming to your dwelling. This is a powerful and sometimes difficult thing to do, as you have to walk the fine line between keeping them uneasy and pissing them off. (thus tipping your hand and revealing your plot) How to do this? Take a page from any experienced interrogator:

A: Keep them sleepy/tired

B: Keep them cold/hot (whichever one they aren’t used to or like)

C: Keep them hungry

If at all possible, do all of the above. Not only can this easily be subtle, but these things are some of the most psychologically          invasive and manipulative when used against someone. Play music, or turn on lights when they are asleep. Drop things to startle them awake. Move their keys to disorient them. Poke a hole in their favorite meals (or leave them out) so they spoil. Turn up the AC, or heat.  You get the picture. Do subtle things like this, and in a short amount of time, they will be looking for options out. Just make sure that option isn’t to get YOU out, and in short time, you’ll be free and clear of that douchebag!